Finding your life partner is not always just about love. Look out for these financial red flags during courtship to avoid future marital arguments.
Money is usually an afterthought during the search for marital compatibility as people prioritize feelings. But, a lasting partnership transcends passion, loyalty, and devotion. Many a time, arguments boil down to money and irresponsible money management.
Couples need similar monetary principles to maintain a long-term partnership. It is best to figure your compatibility out before committing to marriage. Attempting to find a solution to the money dilemma after marriage can be emotionally straining for a young family.
This does not mean you have to end things right now with your partner just because you have had some money disagreements, nor does this mean everything is okay because you have not yet had some money disagreements.
Spotting the telltale signs of financial incompatibility can be tricky. Here are 10 you can easily look out for.
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Telltale Sign #1. Controls Your Financial Actions
Ah, young love. You may think it is romantic that your partner “takes care” of you by taking charge of your financial actions. However, there is a line between guiding you and abusing you. Financial abuse is a real thing to watch out for in relationships.
For more details, please do read our article on Recognizing Financial Abuse in Relationships.
In short, if you allow your date to take charge of your money decisions such as how you save, how you spend, etc., you are opening yourself up to being taken advantage of in the long term.
Take a stand now and take charge of your own financial actions. You are your own person. Be open to money talks and ideas, but do not allow yourself to be somebody else’s puppet. If you grant your partner the ability to plan your finances prior to marriage, you will lose sight of your finances and your life afterwards.
How does your partner react when you disagree with their financial advice? While it can be a spectrum of reactions, some clear red flags include getting unreasonably angry and committing emotional blackmail (sulk/cry/etc. until you change your mind). If this describes your partner, you can leave the partnership immediately.
Telltale Sign #2. Does Not Contribute to Dating Costs
In line with chivalry, men are expected to pay on dates. While this is a charming gesture and one that is much appreciated in the early days of your courtship, it needs to be re-looked at when you are both taking the relationship more seriously.
There is also the gender equality debate to field, and that can be a tricky and subjective situation for you to navigate. Is it fair for men to show benevolent sexism by taking charge, therefore reinforcing the men-are-superior impression? Would the woman be perceived as a gold-digger if she doesn’t contribute? Would the man feel emasculated if the women contribute? Such are questions you and your partner need to ask yourselves and each other.
Where you both stand on financial gender equality is best to be cleared up early on.
Be open to respectful discussions about this topic rather than dropping your partner like a hot potato should he or she display little or no initiative to offset dating costs. Do however observe their behavior after you have discussed your expectations.
Telltale Sign #3. Untruthful About Their Money Situation
Deliberately telling lies will shatter trust and ruin any partnership. This also extends to money matters and we don’t just mean about cold hard cash.
Dishonesty about finances may vary. From petty deceptions, for example, keeping cash to huge lies like hiding debt, taking out big loans, lies about income, hiding unnecessary purchases, and concealed transactions or accounts. The financial effect from these deceptions include disruptions to the budget or possible depletion of retirement assets.
Ask yourself, can you tolerate lies from your partner for life?
It is reasonable to have differences in finances. There are some characteristics one is born with that we cannot change. But some profoundly rooted issues can change by just talking and sharing. So, be rational about fixing the dilemma. Talk to your partner more frequently and do not insist on changing him/her.
If you can overlook the small lies regarding expenses, then carry on. If not, end it and move on with your life.
Telltale Sign #4. Unwilling to Discuss Personal Finances
When you date, to feel reluctant speaking about money is normal. You worry your partner will feel uncomfortable. However, once your relationship is firmly established, be cautious if your partner continues to keep silent on financial issues.
Being reluctant, irritated, or angry in response to broaching money talks is a clear warning sign.
Refusal to discuss maybe because of:
- a need to maintain financial power in a relationship, or
- insecurity over lost investments, or
- embarrassment over income disparity between partners, or
- pure unwillingness to handle money.
Any reluctance to discuss personal finances is a definite flag waving furiously in the air as there are many problems this can lead to in the future.
Be open and respectful. Perhaps some reassurance is necessary to calm their fears or embarrassments. Maybe some giving some support is needed to encourage them to be more open.
No matter what the cause of the reluctance, you need to root it out before you can determine whether this is a deal-breaker for you or not. Think about your future, how will this affect you when you are married with kids and your spouse behaves this way when money problems crop up?
If you see little improvement despite many talks, break the relationship and move on.
Telltale Sign #5. Has Stagnant Net Worth
Having worked for 5 years with no growth to show in net worth is definitely a telltale sign.
Remember the story of the hardworking ant and the grasshopper who played around all summer? What happened when winter came is a lesson that almost every child has been taught before.
To imagine a human version of the grasshopper in summer, think of a singleton earning a good salary but:
- invests only at most 5% of their salary,
- has no financial targets, and
- does not save.
Yikes. What do you think will happen when retirement (winter) arrives?
Any person who displays financial ignorance and non-existent or minimal preparation for the future is not good spouse material. While they can argue that they are too busy or too young or give other excuses for their actions, you can see how weak their excuses are.
Would these negative financial behaviors continue or change for the better after marriage? It can go either way as habits are hard to break but not impossible. Would you be willing to stick around to find out? Are you willing to put your future children at the mercy of a parent who does not prioritize money needed to put food in their mouths?
It is unrealistic to expect anyone who has just started working to buy a home or a car. But, they should be working hard now to grow their wealth (not just growing income). Even a notebook purchased with hard-earned income can be considered a good indicator of income strength and investment acumen.
Telltale Sign #6. A Serial Borrower
Is your partner habitually asking for money so they can power through the month? If they often run out of money and needs support from you, their friends, or their parents, it’s wise to proceed with eyes wide open.
Although it is reasonable to face a debt crisis from time to time, it is unacceptable to frequently live outside one’s means and consistently spend over what one earns. Due to a lack of budgeting and messy personal finance, you cannot save and ultimately disrupt your financial objectives.
This is a person you do not want to get married to as their messy finances will surely negatively impact your financial life after marriage.
Telltale Sign #7. Unable or Unwilling to Hold Down a Job for Long
When your partner can’t keep a job for a long time, that’s a problem. It may be a lack of professionalism or expertise in the field and interpersonal issues.
This does not bode well for a long-term partnership. Rocky employment can trigger financial uncertainty after marriage.
It also is important to question whether your partner’s lack of commitment to a job will reflect on their commitment to your marriage. After all, marriage is a lot like a job. Will they be as committed when the shine wears off?
Deciding before marriage whether you can live with this uncertainty is the simplest. If the probability of the partner’s job prospects rising is slim, perhaps it is best to decide to part ways.
Telltale Sign# 8. Spends Unwisely
Question your partner’s extravagant expenses and fancy dinners, whether they do or don’t make a lot of money. Especially if they don’t earn a lot!
To change spendthrift tendencies is a challenge. Don’t be so confident that your partner would mellow after marriage.
One can also monitor lifestyle, such as the type of garments and shoes worn or the car drive. These provide hints to a luxurious lifestyle that may not match the income or indicates unnecessary, unwise spending.
Do pay heed to what money topics they are keen to discuss. If they only discuss how to spend money and is not interested in talking about investing or saving, you might want to start detaching yourself from the relationship.
There is also another situation worth mentioning – the charitable soul who donates extravagantly disproportionate to their income. Charitable people are lovely folks. But, it is hard to maintain a marriage with someone who is both kind and broke, especially when they may in future carelessly give out the wealth you need for your family’s needs.
Telltale Sign #9. Careless About Servicing Debts
Many individuals have loans and credit card debt. But having debt is definitely not always a deal-breaker.
However, if your future spouse has a lot of debt, but has no intention of becoming debt-free, is not interested in paying the instalments on time, this can be a concern. While having debt is not necessarily a deal-breaker, poor debt management should be!
When you get married, the total amount of debt your partner owes may affect your ability to apply for joint loans, such as a housing loan. Paying off those existing debts may even result in too much money being spent on debt repayments until nothing is available for something else.
Telltale Sign #10. Impulsive Over Investment Advice
It’s nice to have a partner who is eager to grow their wealth. It’s not nice to have a partner who blindly follows any and every advice given by unqualified “advisors”.
As your relationship deepens, take an interest in your partner’s investment strategy. Chances are you will be involved or informed when your partner meets up with friends or “advisors” who give unqualified financial advise. How does your partner react to the advise? What action is taken to verify the validity of the information? How soon after to they take action?
Any impulsive or reckless investment actions without attentive analysis is an unattractive financial trait.
While not necessarily a relationship deal-breaker, it would be wise to see whether your partner changes this habit with your encouragement. Or, to be safe, introduce your partner to a licensed financial planner who would have your partner’s best interest in mind when dispensing legitimate and beneficial financial advise for your partner to use.
Conclusion
Dating and courtship is about finding the right person to spend your life with. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you must end up marrying this partner. If you note any unsavory behavior, it is crucial to resolve these problems as quickly as possible if possible, else move on from this partner before you are both locked in together for the long haul. It is in your best interest to find a healthy match for yourself and your future family.
If you have some of these warning flags in your partnership and have some concerns concerning your finances, please email us – we’re here to help!
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