Don’t let the shift from traditional earning ability drive a wedge in your marriage.

Today, a dual-income family is common. Women who have traditionally been caregivers in a household are now working and earning their own money. Statistics for 2019 show that 39.2% of the total labour force in Malaysia comprises women.

Traditionally, we often assume that the husband has the larger income, hence the breadwinner. However, more and more women are making more money than their husbands. While already facing the challenges of being a strong woman at work, there can be more ceilings to break at home too. The push and pull of juggling career and family while overtaking the husband’s financial role adds to the increased challenges for women and may create a lot of tension in any marriage.

A female breadwinner likely does not voluntarily pick this position. It’s more about job selection, lack of money, injury, or life circumstances. For the uninitiated, this can be quite daunting not knowing what will happen next or how they should carry on. Shouldering the top finance post of a family may not be every woman’s cup of tea. The anxiety and stress, if not managed well, could be detrimental, especially when her spouse may still struggle to accept the circumstances.

If the wife is the primary earner in your household, here are a few tips about how to make things work at home.

Tip #1. Communicate Between Spouses

Regrettably, though things have evolved, traditional gender roles are still strong. Expectations of who should be the breadwinner have not kept up to date with the gender equality of today.

There are men who cannot take the pressure. A Harvard University report shows that part-time working husbands have a greater chance of marital breakup than husbands with full-time jobs.

Breaking stereotypes is going to be a new and probably uncomfortable reality. Couples need to sit down and talk out their feelings and expectations. If you haven’t already, get it underway now, and reap the benefits later on.

Sit down together to determine what you both feel are the goals you want for your household. Then examine the adjustments in their financial situations and the tradeoffs that need to be made in order for you to achieve your household goals. You both need to come out of this with matching understanding and expectations.

For example, if the wife’s career can become more financially rewarding but it takes up more of her time, then the husband needs to determine how much and which housework he can take up to help. Be ready to consider other solutions.

Keep in mind you are both rowing the same boat towards the same goals. Stay aligned by communicating often. If someone is paddling in a different direction, there needs to be honest communication to find out why and whether you need adjustments.

Tip #2: Higher Pay Doesn’t Mean Higher Power

People expect that the breadwinner spouse can exert more control over the partnership, and the one who earns nothing or less money must “compensate” through doing more housework. That is a highly incorrect belief. As a team, “compensation” does not exist. Rather, it is “cooperate” in order for both of you to carry your family in the right direction.

If you earn more, it may be easy to feel that you deserve control over decision-making. However, for a union to succeed, earning power should not suddenly become a source of leverage for decisions, investments, etc.

Rather than allow things to “go with the flow” as the tides of earning power shifts, regularly check in with each other and discuss decisions. As every couple is unique, get to know what decision-making strategy feels best for both of you.

There is no benefit in power-grabbing within a marriage, regardless of gender or income ability.

Tip #3. Iron Out Resentments

Reversal of traditional gender roles means shaking out old expectations. It is natural that feelings of inadequacy occur as you both adapt to change, creating resentment.

Men may struggle to accept that their wives are more successful than themselves. Women may struggle when their husbands have a closer bond with the children than them, thanks to more often being there for the kids. These are just two of many examples.

To resolve feelings of inadequacy, look into improving the confidence and self-esteem of both spouses. Reassure each other that you are doing what’s right for the family. Praise each other for being able to do what needs to be done. Enjoy each other’s successes. Look at some advantages, such as:

  • Your kids have a dad who remains at home and has a great friendship with him they expect will last a lifetime.
  • You have the flexibility to work extra shifts, focus on unique projects and career learning initiatives, and travel for work – all of which you would not be free to do if your husband had worked.

When discussing the feelings of inadequacy, here are some ideas you can do to help each other:

  • If the husband wants to contribute more financially, encourage him to take up a side hustle.
  • If the wife wants more family time, carve out a regular mommy-only activity such as a monthly baking session with the kids.

You two should take pride in who you are and what you do. Make no apologies to society for earning more or less, for being homemaker or not, or for differing from other couples.

Tip #4: No Harping Over Earning Less

If it is a fact that your husband earns less than you do, then it is a fact and nothing more. No value will come from making a fact negative when you talk about it.

Income imbalance between spouses can be a touchy topic. While you can certainly talk about it and should make no apologies for earning more, you also should not be nasty about it. After all, what can you gain from making your husband feel bad, aside from making him dislike listening to you? Yikes!

Listen to your inner self and uncover what is it that makes you want to crow over or goad your spouse. Are you upset by the income imbalance? Are you jealous of their other successes? Are you feeling insecure? Do you feel your spouse lacks the action to “do better” financially? What do you need to help you accept the situation and move forward?

Rather than constantly bringing up the inequality, focus on your joint financial targets. Regardless of who brings in the most money, your priority is to work as a team to pay off loans, raise net worth, as well as prepare for retirement.

Tip #5. Don’t Sabotage Your Career Progression

Even though it’s vital to respect your husband’s feelings, if you’re at the height of your career and feel wholly inspired by it, your partner ought to be on board. A lot of ladies find immense fulfillment in becoming breadwinners. To reach that, do these:

  • Be transparent about one another expectations. Having a good understanding of what is required of each of you would reduce the likelihood of frustration later on.
  • Let other people’s opinions be just that…opinions. Some people would still see a woman making more money or being the primary breadwinner as ’emasculating’ for a male. They believed the woman will be the caregiver and the guy should be the provider. However, what counts is that both of you are on the same page.

Bottom line: don’t drag yourself down if you achieve results in your career. Your dreams must remain strong in order to gain traction. Take heed of your own voice.

Tip #6. Be Fair With Combining Finances and Splitting Expenses

Regardless of who earns what, you don’t have to share all your earnings. Instead of putting all your earnings in the common household fund, create a “Yours, Mine, and Ours” expenses splitting arrangement that works for you and your partner. Neither of you is interested in policing the other’s purchases. If there is a significant salary gap, you would choose to make each spouse’s allocation proportional to their salary. For example, where one partner earns 75% of the income while the other earns 25%, they can split the costs in a comparable proportion.

After you’ve made your shared account donation, everything left over is yours to do with whatever you want.

The “Yours, mine, and ours” formula can be extremely effective. However, consider the complexities of the partnership and discuss what seems appropriate.

Tip #7. Pay Attention to Your Health

The pressure of being a female breadwinner may demand you to work longer hours. With the little emergency buffer, it may even force you to get a second job or a part-time hustle. If you are not careful, fatigue may set in followed by stress.

Don’t forget also about your mental health. Facing financial difficulty and having trouble making a living may put you more prone to depression. Be alert for signals that suggest possible medical conditions. Extreme exhaustion, panic attacks, bursts of frustration, annoying comments, fear, and depression are all signs. Stress may affect multiple serious health problems.

Regularly take out some “me” time for yourself to unwind. Celebrate your personal successes.

Taking up some regular physical exercise can also do wonders for your overall health.

Conclusion

Be pleased but not resentful over earning the family’s food. Do approach your partner with the respect and consideration that you would like to be shown if the positions were reversed. Work with each other and be thoughtful. Ignore what other people think; it is your marriage and not theirs. Above all, always remember to show your love for one another. Believe in yourself and be a good career woman, a proud wife, and happy mom!

 

Ladies, do you have any other challenges not mentioned in this article? 

 

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